by Terry Feeney 

In my senior year of high school I responded to a radio program that challenged my worldview.  That was the beginning of a long journey to understand truth.  I made many mistakes along the way and was shocked by bad behavior many times.  Along the way I also met admirable people who disagreed with me or who were on different paths.

I grew up as a devout Irish Catholic and was not abused or scandalized by anyone, but I had questions and I expected answers.  I had learned to be quiet, respectful and to tolerate abuse, but something inside kept driving me to keep studying and seeking answers to big questions.  In high school I started with the questions of creation versus evolution, the pagan roots of Christian holy days and the messy history of the church.  I was so naïve, idealistic and rigid, but heaven helped me more than I know.

Concerning creation and evolution, I favor the Intelligent Design proponents.  I am troubled by the way Christian creationists handle the relevant scriptures.  I loved mathematics and science while I was a child and I am still fascinated.  I was surprised in high school to be criticized by the head of the social studies department, but to be encouraged by my biology teacher.  Both were nuns and I did well in their classes.

Concerning pagan roots and the messy history, I tried one variety of what I now classify as Christian restorationism.  I eventually learned of many reform movements and got a high level understanding of the growth and decline of many groups over the course of 2000 years.  I became a student and graduated from a college that this group ran.  Because of doctrinal controversy and scandal I decided to leave this church before I graduated.  I learned a number of ideas from their teaching of the Hebrew and Christian scriptures and these prompted more questions.  Now I had to know how or why most of the church believes in the Trinity and a hell of senseless everlasting punishing. Also, how was the transition made from Judaism to the church and whatever happened to the covenant made with David? 

I was traumatized by leaving that group, but I found a simple job, studied accounting, passed the CPA exam and continued my search.  I kept finding more questions with poor answers.  I think that I was extremely loyal to a basic Christian worldview, but I could never feel at peace in any church.  So I conformed.  I was looking for answers, not fights.  I put my agenda and my assumptions aside many times to see things from another perspective.  This helped me understand a lot, but it did not answer the big questions enough. 

Studying the history of the Trinity, I found its development very logical from an ancient Greek or Roman viewpoint.  Reading Samuele Bacchiocchi’s “From Sabbath To Sunday” and D. A. Carson’s “From Sabbath To Lord’s Day” helped me understand the Sabbath related history.  These two books have opposing viewpoints and are well-documented, but both left me unsatisfied.  Edward William Fudge’s “The Fire That Consumes” was very helpful in documenting the problems with the traditional view of hell.  These authors are all Christians and decent people as far as I know.  They document serious problems within Christianity and they stay in a church.

I read books like Karen Armstrong’s “A History of God” and Sydney E. Ahlstrom’s “A Religious History of the American People”, thus getting an appreciation for the point of view taught in universities.  I read books like Victor Davis Hanson’s “Why the West Has Won”, thus getting an appreciation for the traditional Western point of view.  Despite the strength of their scholarship and evidence, I felt little confidence in the future they could project.  I thought that their advice could be helpful for short-term goals only.  I could learn to be noble and smart in the valley of the shadow of death, but there would be no escape.

Mel Gibson’s “The Passion of the Christ” received a lot of attention.  I was a member of a United Methodist church at the time and decided to watch the movie.  I was shocked at my own reaction to it.  Within a few minutes I recognized the movie as a form of mysticism concerning the Stations of the Cross that I had learned while in Catholic grade school.  I did not like it then and now I was totally repulsed.  I knew basically what to expect from the rest of the movie.  The scene where the crowd calls for the killing of Jesus was interesting to me because I understood that all of those in that confined area were employed by or probably had a financial interest in supporting the Roman occupation.  How could they speak for the majority of the people of Israel?  I talked to one of the pastors about my reaction, but found no one who was close to my reaction. 

Months later I read John Dominic Crossan’s “Who Killed Jesus?”  This book helped me understand the doubts about the resurrection.  I had not questioned the view expressed clearly by C. S. Lewis.  As I read further and meditated, the idea of praying to Jesus made less and less sense to me.  The Jesus Seminar people and others puzzled me.  Why do they express their theology in terms of Jesus?  Reading James D. Tabor’s “The Jesus Dynasty” was a great relief, like a cool wind bringing the promise of rain after enduring the dryness of Crossan and others.  That book helped me stop believing in the resurrection.

How could I consider myself to be a Christian at this point?  I did not have a good answer to this question posed by a friend of mine.  I needed the catalyst of someone introducing me to something superior.  That happened months later when I read Tabor’s “Restoring Abrahamic Faith”.  I am very happy to learn from many, different rabbis now.  Dr. Tabor is a wonderful man and a scholar, but not my spiritual guide.  Now I am not troubled by being on the wrong side of the Hanukah story.  Even though I am thoroughly trained in the Western point of view, I have switched sides and I support the people of Israel.